personal. However, I have had my successes and enjoyed a few perks along the way. I'll see how long I can keep it up, but things will be very different from the blogs of old. How do I disclose my thoughts and feelings knowing that lovers past and present Google the fuck out of me and all end up here? One night, I counted 4 different people who are/were intimately connected to me come cruising along my blog. This is a time when very little drama is taking place, and everyone seems to have settled into their own particular groove. So, what brings you to my humble abode?
Less Jiggle in My Fat Ass Wiggle
Why didn't anyone tell me how much weight I've put on over the last two years? I know I always had a little chub hanging around, but this has gotten way out of hand. Besides restructuring my diet by cutting out all the sweet, sugary, rich things that I love, I also joined a very expensive cross training class in Brooklyn. Perhaps you've heard of Orange Theory Fitness - Park Slope? It's hard. I don't mean that in a lazy way. I run, and even some of the treadmill workouts kick my ass. The coaches don't let up on you. Even in a full class, they are in your face, looking at your settings, and checking out your numbers. Your form is scrutinized, and they make sure you are doing those floor exercises and free weights correctly. I have a marshmallow core. This makes the floor workouts really hard for me. I try to do it the way they show us how, but I find myself doing more of the modified forms instead. It's a little disheartening, but it's a positive, encouraging environment that pushes you past your comfort zone. They are cool with you as long as they know you are working hard.
Unfortunately, money being a HUGE issue for me right now, I realized I can't afford them. That's just the sad truth. I think $170 is a small price to pay for health and transformation, but it's a fortune when you just don't have it. Let's not mince words. I DON'T HAVE IT. I'm actually really sad cancelling my membership because I'm paying a lot less than normal rates, but I can't keep bleeding out money that I clearly don't have.
Peacing Out with my Past
Besides setting things right with some exes of old over the past year, I realized that I left a wake of hurt feelings in my rampage of my libido the second half of 2016. To cover up the hurt and humiliation I felt at the hands of someone else, I went out and hurt and humiliated a whole lot of people who were only seeking some mutually adult company. I ended things a little to abruptly, coldly ignored inquiries as to why I disappeared, and then snapped their heads off if they attempted to confront me about it. As my head cleared and my heart healed, I looked behind me and saw a boatload of bad Karma waiting to kick my ass after school. Look, you just don't treat people like that. It's not cool. No matter what excuses you come up with, hurting someone because someone else hurt you is just a dick move. Earlier in the week, Karma came my past crept up on me at work. As I wound my way down from the top of the Freedom Tower towards my secret Hogwarts entrance to grab an overpriced cold pressed juice underground, I ran smack into one of those Libido Bandaids that I had my fill off and promptly discarded. We will call him "Alec". Coming down on set of escalators, I appreciatively eyed the tall 6 footer coming down the escalator across from me in his sharply tailored Brooks Brothers suit and expertly matched shoes, satchel and belt. Before my eyes could even travel back up towards his perfectly coiffed hairstyle, I froze as those hazel ones bore into me. Shit. I knew him. He knew me. Could I casually just strut down the second set of stairs and blend into the tourists outside the building doors? He caught up to me in three long strides. So much for the great escape.
"Katherine. Right? That's you?" He didn't lay a finger on me, but something told me he wouldn't have hesitated to grab my arm if I kept on going.
"Yeah...Alec?" I knew better than to try to flash a brilliant smile. I felt too guilty knowing what I did to him.
"You never returned any of my texts. You let all my calls go straight to voicemail. Did you block me or something?" I looked away, ashamed at how much more horrible my actions sounded when spoken out loud. "Can you please tell me what I did to offend you so terribly? I thought we had a great time together. We talked for hours. I thought we got along brilliantly. I'm just so confused as to why you would just treat me like I did something heinous to you. Had I?"
"Uh....no." I wanted to keep staring at the white marble under our feet, but I knew he deserved so much more than that. I forced my gaze up to look right into his angry eyes. "I'm really sorry I treated you that way. I don't have an excuse. I'm not going to insult you by trying to make one up. I was a complete asshole. I treated you poorly after you were so kind. I did have a wonderful time with you, and you didn't do anything wrong to be treated so rudely. I'm really sorry."
There was that awkward silence. Maybe he was ready for a fight. Maybe he wanted me to come up with some lame story so that he could lay into me. He just nodded stiffly, and wished me well. The kind bastard even threw in a, "You look really great. I hope whatever it is that's going on with you right now is exactly what you need. Take care."
Man, talk about a 10 ton boulder sitting heavy in the pit of my gut. I felt awful. It could have gone so much worse. He had every right to cuss me out right there. He could have called me every name in the book, and I would have taken it. We did have a great time together. Soft-spoken, intelligent, successful, and a gentleman in every sense of the word; I don't even really remember how I met him or how I came to go out with him. There were so many of those. I was in no mood to burn them all into my mental scrapbook. I just needed them to wash that bad taste out of my mouth. Make me forget the pain inside. Alec did that in spades. He let me talk on and on and on about the man who put me in that state of solitude. And I listened to his tale of woe; him walking in on his fiancé with some other man in his bed. (We ALL have a tale of woe to share if we could just find someone who really wants to listen.) That was me. Tell me everything. Let me feel what you felt when your heart was broken. Because, when I'm empathizing and hurting with someone else in anguish, then my pain goes away for a little while. It's easy. I have a big heart and I really do care about what happened to these men to make them so sad/angry/bitter/empty. And in that understanding a connection is formed. It's a short trip to the physical connection from there. A night of eating rich food, drinking good booze, talking shit about the past with someone who cares (in their own temporary way), and then a night of angry, passionate, sometimes tear-filled rage sex. Make it feel so good that we can forget all that feels so bad. Then, the sun comes back, and all that original pain comes flooding back, stronger than ever. For me, that's what always happened. Maybe it didn't always happen for the guys, like Alec. Maybe they thought they made a new friend that understood where they were coming from. Maybe they thought they had an ally in his difficult gauntlet. Maybe they even thought we formed a romantic connection. So, to be dismissed and ignored so abruptly by someone who was hanging on their every word just 12 hours before was confusing, infuriating, and probably padded the idea that women were just flighty bitches with only their own interests at heart.
All this wanton destruction of innocent hearts over something I really shouldn't have been so torn up over to begin with. You cannot lose something that was never really yours. And spending all that time feeling badly about it only makes something that wasn't a big deal to begin with into something bigger and uglier than your worst nightmare. All completely avoidable.
I'm happy now that I've got such strong relationships with certain people from the past, but overall, I'm just happy for the peace. At the very least, there is a little less hate and misunderstanding in the world. And I am sorry for being a bitch towards all those innocent men.
I've come to this weird place where I am in a better space in my head and in life, but it's still a new place to exist and the spot is precarious. Have I done all my homework? Did I sort it all out and clean up to make sure I have room in my life for all that is about to come my way? Am I smarter about the type of person I am choosing to stand beside me? I am notorious for my bad decisions. This time, I have been extra vigilant, super strict, and less flexible with bullshit. I call it as I see it without softening the edges. There are casualties, but I believe that filters out what is real and what isn't. I am not going to apologize to someone for insisting on an explanation as to why he chooses to stay in touch with someone who broke into his house more than once. Old Katherine would smile, and say it didn't matter when a man dished out his weak-ass reasons on keeping old flames around; even the crazy ones. It's none of my business, Old Katherine would reason. It has nothing to do with me. But...what has THIS Katherine learned from all that? I've learned that an unresolved past and toxic exes always have a way of affecting what is going on right now. And while WHY the crazy ex is crazy is none of my business, the new boyfriend who insists on keeping her around IS, and now my safety and security is in danger. There isn't anything wrong with speaking up about it. Why apologize for wanting clarification on something that makes me uncomfortable? And why start something new with someone who refuses to be open? If all these things were red flags in past relationships for something nasty creeping up, there's no reason to think they aren't problems now.
Things have been going well, but the road hasn't been smooth. There were many bumps along the way as I acclimated to new people, new surroundings, and new circumstances. The giant boulder of pain I had insisted on carrying around left a huge empty crater when I finally ditched it, and the overload of emotions filling that space has often left me overwhelmed and a little frightful. Imagine a live nerve exposed to the world picking up every sensation one hundred times more sensitively than any other surface on your body; pleasure, pain, hunger, sadness, desire, fear, etc. Imagine millions of things coming at me at one time, and my poor overworked brain trying to make sense of it all at the speed of light. Some things will get missed, some things will get misconstrued, and other things may get mangled. I'm doing my best, but on the flip side of the coin, I need to make sure I am around the right kind of people. I can't allow myself to be taken advantage of. I don't have anything left to give away anymore. They've all taken too much from me, and it's taking time to build it all back up again.
I don't think I mistreated anyone as I entered this phase. I think I did my best to understand new people, while being open to unfamiliar ideas, all while trying to protect myself while I heal. I am STILL healing, whether or not anyone gives a shit. To do it right means that it takes time. You don't slap a bandaid over a severed finger and expect it to reattach itself overnight. There is a right way to do this, and I'm not going to pretend that it's easy. Imagine hearing your new boyfriend start saying things or bringing ideas to the table that mirrored the old boyfriend? Imagine trying to rationalize in your frenzied, overthinking, paranoid brain that this is innocent and it doesn't mean that your sweet-tempered lover will suddenly morph into a monster overnight. While I've had to re-learn how to speak up for myself and not feel badly about it. I've also had to learn to tame the paranoid beast in my head, trying to convince me that everyone is out to do me harm. It means looking the other way when little things prick at my neurosis, but it also means being strong in my convictions for my well-being when I have to be. Perhaps some people will take it the wrong way. Maybe they will feel my ferocity and take it to mean aggression. Maybe my self-defense will be misconstrued as mistreatment. Someone who can't understand any of that after they have been made aware of where I'm coming from and what I've gone through perhaps isn't the right person to be around me.
You see; I've tried working with filters and they don't work. Either I forget to keep it on 24/7, and my real thoughts and feelings find their way out. Or, it all gets bottled up inside and explodes like a can of soda under pressure.
I'm not going to say it's a Brand New Me. This is the Me that I have always been when it all gets whittled down to the core. I care. I help. I listen. I love. But, I don't want to get hurt anymore while I'm trying to do all of that. I know I am a good friend. I don't need a list to justify why. I knew that deep inside when I was able to help someone I thought I really hated. (And it felt good.) But, to allow myself to be used or taken advantage of any more will just show that I haven't learned a damn thing after all the chaos I've walked through. Allowing someone to make me feel like a monster when I know that I'm not is also not in the cards for me. I've been with mega manipulators. I've loved them even when they had me convinced that they were the only thing in this world keeping me together. I tell my friends all the time: "KNOW YOUR WORTH". I have to take my own damn advice, don't I? Taste my own fucking words and understand what they are made of. I know my worth. I know it when I have been wrong towards people. Alec and all the men of that period are deserving of many apologies. But, I also know when I haven't done anything wrong. Protecting myself isn't wrong. Demanding answers from someone who refuses to be direct isn't mistreatment. Liars make bad partners. No more abusers. No more bullshit artists. No more manipulators. Certainly no more liars. They are not welcome in my immediate space any longer.
I'm not going to apologize for the super discerning bouncer I put in front of the door to my little club.